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What if aliens decided we’re hazardous?

What if aliens decided we’re hazardous?


That Earth…what a problem!



Imagine deep in the outer reaches of space a confederation of planets and sentient beings who keep the universe in check. They’re all giant cockroaches because…it’s logically what an alien would like. They are in possession of vast swathes of knowledge. They know why the universe exists, how it came into existence, and they know how vital it is to protect it. Yes, they too, were once primitive beings that BURNED STUFF to generate energy, but now? Now, they are beyond all of that madness. They are more evolved and more perspicacious. They understand the need for balance and for time for basic, formative species like us to be given time to flourish. Lately, however, they’ve begun to fret.


Earth…you shall be judged!



The Confederation of Gorgeous Cockroaches sends a message, carried by special messenger roaches: Dear minacious and high-risk humans, We have reason to believe (actually, we know perfectly because we’re technologically astonishing super-roaches) that you’re pretty rotten. Your planet is spinning in a cloud of pollution, suffering under immense and chaotic conflicts, and you’re generally a bit awful to each-other. We super-roaches live in perfect harmony without disease, war, pollution, or major problems. Sure, we sometimes consume EVERYTHING WE CAN FIND, but we’re always amiable and congenial about it. We hereby inform you that your planet will be judged tomorrow at 9am. If found guilty, we’ll reset humans (not those other innocent animals) back to the very earliest form of ancient, hairy primate. See you tomorrow. XXX


What’s your defence?


Oh no…we’re up to our necks in dung now, kids. What can we say about that? Wars? Check. Pollution? Check. Perfect harmony? Not a chance of a check. What on Earth could we say to a super-roach judge? We could mention that we’re fallible and still learning. Would this be persuasive enough to save our bacon? Come to think of it…those poor pigs. No humans WOULD save their bacon. Just imagine the evidence stacked against us. Sheep - shorn of their wool, chickens - too overfed and gluttoned to move, and dogs - no, actually their lives have improved immeasurably. The trees could speak up to state their disappointment, “They were alright at the beginning and tended to swing on us a bit, but never cut us from the Earth.” The ground and the rocks could boom in chorus, *ROCKY VOICE* “WE WERE HAPPILY LYING DOWN FOR A LONG SLEEP, LAYER UPON LAYER, AND THEN THEY CAME AND DUG US UP AND TURNED US INTO FASHIONABLE BUNGALOW FLOORS AND KITCHEN WORK SURFACES. I’M BILLIONS OF YEARS OLD AND THEY’RE SLICING AVOCADOS ON ME.”


Who will speak for Earth?



Who among us is venerable enough to answer those protests? Does a human live on this planet that can stand up and say, “We’re not guilty, you gruesomely handsome super roach judge!” It seems unlikely, but perhaps therein lies the answer. Perhaps, if we admit our folly, our mistakes, and our failings, we can at least fabricate real changes and real improvements. We could change!!! Or, just get reset. ^^

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